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www.tvsubtitles.net

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Good evening, everybody.

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Take things for granted

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And they will be taken from you.

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Anybody who has ever left

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A packet of chocolate
hobnobs unguarded...

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Will vouch for the
truth in that statement.

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So often the things we love the most

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We care for the least.

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Even love itself,

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As we shall see,

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Is like a regular
intake of dietary fiber-

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Easy to ignore

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But just try functioning
properly without it.

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( theme music playing )

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So that is agreed.

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Due to budgetary limitations

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Our mounted display
for the Gasforth show

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Will consist of two bicycles
and a set of coconut shells.

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The dog team... Will consist of one dog.

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It's not really a team, is it, Raymond?

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One dog? I mean, the whole
point is dogs acting in unison.

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You can't have one dog
acting in unison, can you?

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I mean, that's stupid.

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Unless... We use some kind of mirror.

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( groaning )

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What's happened to you, Pat?
You look like you've been mugged.

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- I have.
- Oh no!

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My aerobics instructor.

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"step to the side, you're looking good.

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Shake it to the right, one two.

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Put your foot in your ear, three four,

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Stick your head up your bum! Five six.

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On your back, hips up, knees spread."

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- Sounds like a smear test.
- Yes!

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Only slightly less fun.

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These are difficult times,
Derek, difficult times.

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Are you sure there are no more
savings to be made in C.I.D.?

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I mean, this water
cooler you've ordered?

40
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Raymond,

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Do not interfere with my decisions.

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I and me alone am responsible

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For the operational
fitness in my officers.

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It is my ass,

45
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And I will not have you

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Sticking your nose
in and sniffing about.

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The one saving grace

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Was that I wasn't the
worst person in the class.

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( whimpering )

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I think I've dislocated
my trouser furniture.

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Excuse me.

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Pluck a duck, Kevin.

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That leotard's a bit radical, isn't it?

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If it gets sucked up any
further, it'll garrote your bum.

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Gotta keep in shape. Whoo, whoo.

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Ow!

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What have you gotta keep in shape for?

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I have to be very fit
for my police work.

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Ow!

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Do you know,

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I was chasing this bloke
the other day knackered?

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I was a wobbly jelly.

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Nearly had to stop and be sick.

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How far did you run after him?

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I wasn't running, I was in a squad car.

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It's just that I'm
used to power steering.

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I think you're both mad.

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You could have had another hour in bed.

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No pain, no gain, Maggie.

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I want to get in shape.

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What are you talking about?
You're in great shape.

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Just because society decrees

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That all women should look like
stick insects with knockers...

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Don't you think you're just
perpetuating a sexist stereotype?

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That's the idea, but it's
going to take a lot of work.

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You can say it's perpetuating
a stereotype if you like,

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But it's just what people find
attractive. Look at beauty contests.

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Beauty contests are just
a disgusting male fantasy.

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No they're not. My fantasies are
a lot more disgusting than that.

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Beauty contests are tasteful.

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Tasteful? 40 birds standing in a row

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With their boobs full of silicone,

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And their bikini bits waxed down
to five curlies short of a kojak?

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How tasteful is that?

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It takes a lot of hard work and
dedication to win a beauty contest.

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- You have to respect that.
- A person earns respect.

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Quite frankly, I don't think
that having humongous kajungas

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Is a sufficient qualification.

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It'll do for me.

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Good, so that concludes

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Our weekly administrative meeting.

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Weekly fannying-about
meeting more like.

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Except, of course, to remind you

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That the date for this
year's promotion review board

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Has been set for this Friday.

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I don't need reminding, mate,

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I've been building up to this for weeks.

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I am a coiled spring
waiting to go-

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Boing!

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Yes, well, I must say, a
promotion would be nice.

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Chief inspector Raymond Fowler.

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I can't help feeling that
this year it must be my turn.

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You've got no chance, mate.

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There's not point in
you even turning up.

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- I beg your pardon?
- Promotion boards are looking

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For solid, steady,
dependable blokes, Fowler.

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- Well- -
married blokes.

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I don't believe a
person's marital status

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Makes the slightest
difference these days.

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Of course it does!

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Blimey, society has to
offer some sort of reward

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For a lifetime spent
in front of the telly.

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Do you know

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Tomorrow is me and my
Tina's 20th anniversary?

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- Really?
- Yeah...

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And you can rest assured I shall
let the promotion board know.

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20 years, mate.

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20 grueling years.

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That shows character, Raymond,

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Character and commitment.

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You really believe that being married
affects one's chances of promotion?

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Of course it does.

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Mind you, marriage is
much more than that.

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It's comfort.

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It's security.

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I cannot tell you

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The peace of mind

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Which me and my Tina enjoy

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Knowing that things

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Are as bad as they're ever going to get.

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Look, Maggie, I don't know a thing

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About these supermodels,

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But I do know that Kate,
Naomi, and Claudia and Cindy

134
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All have wonderful opportunities...

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The chance to study fashion,
the chance to travel-

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The chance to get knobbed by
pot-bellied old rock stars.

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Look at it,

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Beautiful!

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This is what being a
policeman is all about.

140
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Next we'll get one of them double
hot plates with two coffee pots on it.

141
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Two coffee pots...

142
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A cop with two pots!

143
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- Yo, brother!
- Freeze, mother!

144
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Drop it... Auntie.

145
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Just once before we die

146
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I'd like us to take
our jackets off together

147
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And be wearing shoulder holsters.

148
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Once step at a time.
We've got our water cooler.

149
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The virgin cup.

150
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Boyle, I can't get any
water out of this thing.

151
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I know, it don't work.
I called the bloke.

152
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Now then, Habib,

153
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I want your advice about
an extremely sensitive area.

154
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Quite frankly, it's been
bothering me for some time,

155
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And I just don't want
to sit on it any longer.

156
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Oh, I see, sir.

157
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My dad uses this greasy
cream called rectinol.

158
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But sometimes he still has
to have a special cushion.

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- I beg your pardon?
- Hemorrhoids, sir,

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Bothering your sensitive area.

161
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I'm not talking about hemorrhoids,
you silly young constable.

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Sorry, sir.

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Rectinol, you say?

164
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Now then, as I was saying,

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This sensitive matter...

166
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If a man were considering

167
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Proposing marriage
to a woman-

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And I am, of course, talking
about a hypothetical man,

169
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And an equally
hypothetical woman-

170
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Not going to be much
of a sex life, is it?

171
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It isn't anyway. I mean...

172
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Hypothetically-
hypothetically speaking.

173
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However- howsoever
that may be-

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( clears throat )

175
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How do you think this hypothetical woman

176
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Would wish to be approached?

177
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Well, personally,

178
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I think marriage is an
outmoded institution.

179
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But all woman like a bit of romance.

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You know, candles, flowers, nice meal.

181
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Then when you're all lovey-dovey,

182
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You go down on one knee
and suggest an aids test.

183
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- And aids test?!
- Of course, sir.

184
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That's how it's done these days.

185
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Think about it-
hypothetically speaking-

186
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If I accept your proposal,

187
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I could catch H.I.V., herpes, gonorrhea.

188
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Ah, Patricia...

189
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We were just discussing...

190
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Catching...

191
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That notorious argentinean jewel thief,

192
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Uh... Hugo...

193
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Ignatiev Vincente

194
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( spanish accent ) herpes-gonorrhea.

195
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Uh, you, uh...

196
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You might have read about
him in "the police review."

197
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Was it the May issue?

198
00:09:40,428 --> 00:09:42,929
Raymond, what were you
proposing to constable Habib?

199
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Nothing, sergeant.

200
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We were just discussing inspector
Grim's 20th wedding anniversary,

201
00:09:49,971 --> 00:09:52,773
Saying how much marriage
proposals have changed.

202
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These days a bloke has to bring
along a medical certificate.

203
00:09:55,743 --> 00:09:59,547
I think women prefer
candles, flowers and wine.

204
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( scoffs ) 20 years.

205
00:10:07,955 --> 00:10:11,058
20 years poor old Tina Grim

206
00:10:11,059 --> 00:10:13,627
Has had to put up with
her appalling husband.

207
00:10:13,628 --> 00:10:16,830
Can you imagine what it
must be like, year after year

208
00:10:16,831 --> 00:10:19,900
With the same dull irritating old bore?

209
00:10:19,901 --> 00:10:22,336
Yes.

210
00:10:22,337 --> 00:10:25,772
Not that marriage isn't a
fine and honorable estate.

211
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I mustn't let Grim's example

212
00:10:27,742 --> 00:10:29,743
Sour me to the entire institution,

213
00:10:29,744 --> 00:10:32,045
Nor indeed the failure
of my own marriage.

214
00:10:32,046 --> 00:10:34,582
I was young, I was wild.

215
00:10:34,583 --> 00:10:36,016
She was pregnant.

216
00:10:36,017 --> 00:10:38,952
Yes, I have to confess that my knowledge

217
00:10:38,953 --> 00:10:40,954
Of the rhythm method of contraception

218
00:10:40,955 --> 00:10:43,357
Was rather incomplete.

219
00:10:43,358 --> 00:10:46,093
Well, you've certainly mastered it now.

220
00:10:46,094 --> 00:10:47,861
Just add up all the days of the month

221
00:10:47,862 --> 00:10:50,030
And then don't do it on any of them.

222
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Constable...

223
00:11:00,342 --> 00:11:03,611
Would you mind accompanying
me to the C.I.D. area?

224
00:11:10,185 --> 00:11:12,253
I'd offer you some refreshment,

225
00:11:12,254 --> 00:11:15,289
But sadly, I have a dysfunctional spout.

226
00:11:17,292 --> 00:11:20,728
I'd like to ask your advice

227
00:11:20,729 --> 00:11:22,663
On a matter pertaining to...

228
00:11:22,664 --> 00:11:24,832
( clears throat ) women.

229
00:11:24,833 --> 00:11:26,767
What with you being one and all.

230
00:11:26,768 --> 00:11:29,136
- Right you are, sir.
- It's just,

231
00:11:29,137 --> 00:11:32,707
My Tina is expecting something special

232
00:11:32,708 --> 00:11:34,742
And exciting from me,

233
00:11:34,743 --> 00:11:38,312
And I've got a problem-
it comes once a year.

234
00:11:38,313 --> 00:11:39,714
Oh dear.

235
00:11:39,715 --> 00:11:41,949
Well, I can see that would be a problem.

236
00:11:41,950 --> 00:11:45,886
But don't worry, sir, impotence
is very common in men of your age.

237
00:11:45,887 --> 00:11:48,188
I read in "Cosmopolitan"

238
00:11:48,189 --> 00:11:51,158
That there's this cream you
can buy called "keep it up"--

239
00:11:51,159 --> 00:11:54,362
I'm not talking about
impotence, constable.

240
00:11:54,363 --> 00:11:55,963
Oh. Sorry, sir.

241
00:11:55,964 --> 00:11:58,999
"Keep it up"... ( chuckles )

242
00:12:05,307 --> 00:12:07,775
Now the problem is,

243
00:12:07,776 --> 00:12:11,178
As I think you know,
tomorrow is me and my Tina's

244
00:12:11,179 --> 00:12:13,814
20th wedding anniversary,

245
00:12:13,815 --> 00:12:17,718
So I suppose I've got
to get her something.

246
00:12:17,719 --> 00:12:19,287
It would be nice, sir.

247
00:12:19,288 --> 00:12:23,424
It's extraordinary how much
meaningless empty gestures

248
00:12:23,425 --> 00:12:25,225
Mean to a woman, isn't it?

249
00:12:25,226 --> 00:12:27,361
Well, some girls like them.

250
00:12:27,362 --> 00:12:29,530
The question is what shall I get?

251
00:12:29,531 --> 00:12:31,432
Haven't you any ideas at all?

252
00:12:31,433 --> 00:12:34,735
Quite the opposite, too
many ideas. I'm torn.

253
00:12:34,736 --> 00:12:38,439
I'm torn between a box of "milk tray"

254
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:41,509
And a box of "dairy box."

255
00:12:43,011 --> 00:12:45,145
She likes the lime barrel out of one,

256
00:12:45,146 --> 00:12:48,215
And the caramel cup out of the other.

257
00:12:48,216 --> 00:12:49,650
What do you think?

258
00:12:51,586 --> 00:12:53,487
Perhaps you should get her both.

259
00:12:53,488 --> 00:12:55,790
Both?!

260
00:12:55,791 --> 00:12:57,825
You see? Bloody women!

261
00:12:57,826 --> 00:13:00,828
Totally unreasonable, the lot of you.

262
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:07,167
Marriage is in the air at the moment.

263
00:13:07,168 --> 00:13:09,136
Do you know,

264
00:13:09,137 --> 00:13:11,104
I think inspector Fowler's

265
00:13:11,105 --> 00:13:13,474
Thinking about proposing
to sergeant Dawkins.

266
00:13:13,475 --> 00:13:16,243
Oh, wouldn't that be nice?

267
00:13:17,245 --> 00:13:19,246
I love a wedding!

268
00:13:19,247 --> 00:13:21,315
Except for the bit where the vicar says,

269
00:13:21,316 --> 00:13:23,116
"does anyone have any objections?"

270
00:13:23,117 --> 00:13:26,520
Makes me so tense.

271
00:13:26,521 --> 00:13:29,890
I always think, "God, I
hope I don't say something!"

272
00:13:33,362 --> 00:13:36,430
Because you easily could, couldn't you?

273
00:13:36,431 --> 00:13:38,899
You know, if you suddenly
went mad or something.

274
00:13:39,968 --> 00:13:42,002
I did object at a wedding once.

275
00:13:42,003 --> 00:13:44,672
- ( gasps ) You didn't?!
- Oh yes...

276
00:13:44,673 --> 00:13:47,775
I said the groom is a
drinker and a philanderer.

277
00:13:47,776 --> 00:13:49,744
Oh no!

278
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,081
What did the groom say?

279
00:13:54,082 --> 00:13:55,383
I just told you.

280
00:13:57,919 --> 00:14:01,489
It was the only way I could
think of getting out of it.

281
00:14:05,027 --> 00:14:06,794
Well, now, Patricia,

282
00:14:06,795 --> 00:14:11,265
I hope you enjoyed your lasagna
parmeggiano verde con funghi.

283
00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:14,635
Yes, Raymond, ever so.

284
00:14:14,636 --> 00:14:17,138
Good. It took some
preparation, I can tell you.

285
00:14:17,139 --> 00:14:18,839
I bet it did.

286
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:21,976
For a while, I didn't think I was
ever going to get it out of the packet.

287
00:14:21,977 --> 00:14:25,079
Look, "to open,

288
00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:27,081
Simply cut along dotted line

289
00:14:27,082 --> 00:14:30,017
And pull tab outwards." I
mean, it's just not true!

290
00:14:30,018 --> 00:14:32,053
That won't get you anywhere.

291
00:14:32,054 --> 00:14:35,122
They might as well say "to open,
wrap in a copy of the 'beano'

292
00:14:35,123 --> 00:14:37,457
And brush your teeth with it."

293
00:14:37,458 --> 00:14:40,260
I mean, why does it have
to be hermetically sealed?

294
00:14:40,261 --> 00:14:43,798
It's a frozen meal, not a gold ingot.

295
00:14:43,799 --> 00:14:46,633
I'm surprised it wasn't
delivered in a securicorps van.

296
00:14:46,634 --> 00:14:48,803
"to open, bludgeon guards to death,

297
00:14:48,804 --> 00:14:51,839
Run oxyacetylene torch along dotted line

298
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,641
And dynamite where shown."

299
00:14:54,642 --> 00:14:56,944
Raymond, we're having a lovely evening,

300
00:14:56,945 --> 00:14:58,612
You made a super supper,

301
00:14:58,613 --> 00:15:01,315
- Please don't spoil it.
- Yes, I'm sorry, darling.

302
00:15:03,384 --> 00:15:06,386
- Some more wine?
- Ooh, I shouldn't.

303
00:15:06,387 --> 00:15:09,957
In that case I'll just
recork it with my vacupump.

304
00:15:09,958 --> 00:15:12,126
No, no, on second thoughts,

305
00:15:12,127 --> 00:15:14,328
- Perhaps just a little drop.
- All right.

306
00:15:20,335 --> 00:15:22,269
I shall have to be careful.

307
00:15:22,270 --> 00:15:25,806
Red wine and italian food
turns me into a right goer.

308
00:15:25,807 --> 00:15:28,943
Well, I'm delighted to hear it.

309
00:15:28,944 --> 00:15:31,846
- Are you, Raymond?
- Absolutely.

310
00:15:31,847 --> 00:15:35,515
Active bowel, active mind, I always say.

311
00:15:40,388 --> 00:15:42,790
Raymond, what's all this in aid of?

312
00:15:42,791 --> 00:15:44,759
The candles, the flowers, the wine?

313
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:46,827
Oh, this?

314
00:15:46,828 --> 00:15:48,829
Oh... Oh, you know.

315
00:15:48,830 --> 00:15:51,465
Um...
Well, um-

316
00:15:51,466 --> 00:15:54,301
Well... ( clears throat )

317
00:15:54,302 --> 00:15:57,071
You know how much I
admire you, Patricia,

318
00:15:57,072 --> 00:15:59,539
Not only as a police sergeant,

319
00:15:59,540 --> 00:16:01,809
But also
as a, um-

320
00:16:01,810 --> 00:16:03,878
You know, as a, uh...

321
00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:06,580
( clears throat ) as a woman.

322
00:16:06,581 --> 00:16:09,750
- Oh, Raymond.
- Patricia.

323
00:16:09,751 --> 00:16:11,786
Oh, Raymond.

324
00:16:11,787 --> 00:16:14,721
Is there something
you want to say to me?

325
00:16:14,722 --> 00:16:17,424
Yes... Yes, there is.

326
00:16:20,695 --> 00:16:23,898
I want to discuss our future together.

327
00:16:23,899 --> 00:16:27,601
We're- we're both pretty
set in our ways now,

328
00:16:27,602 --> 00:16:29,503
I'm a bit of an old
stick-in-the-mud,

329
00:16:29,504 --> 00:16:32,706
And you're certainly not getting
any younger, that's for sure.

330
00:16:34,742 --> 00:16:39,213
I don't want to end up boring,
gray, flabby and all alone.

331
00:16:39,214 --> 00:16:42,917
I want to be boring,
gray and flabby with you.

332
00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:45,886
I'm sure you feel the same way,

333
00:16:45,887 --> 00:16:48,622
Particularly now you're beginning
to lose your looks a bit.

334
00:16:50,258 --> 00:16:53,460
- Really?
- Oh, definitely. Mmm.

335
00:16:55,263 --> 00:16:57,064
Besides which, I'm mindful

336
00:16:57,065 --> 00:16:59,266
Of the approaching
promotion review board.

337
00:16:59,267 --> 00:17:03,537
My home life needs to appear
solid, plain and simple.

338
00:17:03,538 --> 00:17:06,506
And they don't come much
more solid, plain and simple

339
00:17:06,507 --> 00:17:07,741
Than you, old girl.

340
00:17:10,045 --> 00:17:13,047
So what I'm saying is, how about it?

341
00:17:13,048 --> 00:17:15,716
Let's get married.

342
00:17:15,717 --> 00:17:18,552
No. In fact, I'm leaving you.

343
00:17:20,455 --> 00:17:23,157
So she turned you down...

344
00:17:23,158 --> 00:17:26,126
Like an old duvet.

345
00:17:27,128 --> 00:17:29,596
I was so sure of my ground.

346
00:17:29,597 --> 00:17:34,168
It must have been something
to do with the way I proposed.

347
00:17:34,169 --> 00:17:37,371
It can't have been any worse
than when I did it, sir.

348
00:17:37,372 --> 00:17:40,574
I had 10 bottles of guinness
to get my courage up.

349
00:17:40,575 --> 00:17:44,044
- Did you go down on one knee?
- I went down on all fours.

350
00:17:45,847 --> 00:17:47,948
How could I have got it so wrong?

351
00:17:47,949 --> 00:17:51,685
I'm sure you made a
very nice proposal, sir.

352
00:17:51,686 --> 00:17:53,553
Yes, as a matter of fact I did.

353
00:17:53,554 --> 00:17:57,224
Wine, candles- cost me a
pretty penny, I can tell you.

354
00:17:57,225 --> 00:17:59,526
But there's no pleasing some women.

355
00:17:59,527 --> 00:18:01,262
Any woman, sir.

356
00:18:01,263 --> 00:18:04,865
And I was making a very
attractive offer, I can assure you.

357
00:18:04,866 --> 00:18:08,802
It wasn't just my cuisine
I dangled in front of her.

358
00:18:09,971 --> 00:18:11,838
Oh no?

359
00:18:11,839 --> 00:18:13,774
What else did you dangle?

360
00:18:13,775 --> 00:18:18,612
- My prospects!
- At dinner?

361
00:18:18,613 --> 00:18:21,215
My mom won't even let me
put my elbows on the table.

362
00:18:23,285 --> 00:18:26,553
The promotion review
board are coming tomorrow.

363
00:18:26,554 --> 00:18:30,057
She could have been married to
a chief inspector, but oh no!

364
00:18:30,058 --> 00:18:33,394
- Well, it's her loss.
- Women!

365
00:18:33,395 --> 00:18:37,231
Can't flipping please
them no matter what you do.

366
00:18:37,232 --> 00:18:39,033
I bought her

367
00:18:39,034 --> 00:18:44,438
A 250-gram box of "milk tray."

368
00:18:44,439 --> 00:18:46,540
She only said she wants champagne.

369
00:18:46,541 --> 00:18:50,177
Cor, I managed to get her to
settle for a bottle of asti

370
00:18:50,178 --> 00:18:52,446
But it still meant getting in the car.

371
00:18:52,447 --> 00:18:55,349
I reckon the problem
is you're both too nice.

372
00:18:55,350 --> 00:18:57,251
Birds don't appreciate it.

373
00:18:57,252 --> 00:18:59,954
Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.

374
00:18:59,955 --> 00:19:01,422
Walk away.

375
00:19:01,423 --> 00:19:04,491
"ta ta, babes, it's been
fun, but your luck's run out.

376
00:19:04,492 --> 00:19:07,494
There's plenty more
nuggets in a family portion,

377
00:19:07,495 --> 00:19:10,831
And I've stuck my toothbrush
in your mug for the last time."

378
00:19:10,832 --> 00:19:13,934
And for those of us whose
first language is english?

379
00:19:16,271 --> 00:19:18,505
Forget it all for a night.

380
00:19:18,506 --> 00:19:21,775
Get out on the pull. Meet
some other girls for a change.

381
00:19:21,776 --> 00:19:23,477
Have a drink, a laugh.

382
00:19:23,478 --> 00:19:25,479
Well, I suppose it can't hurt.

383
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,247
Well, I'm not going.

384
00:19:27,248 --> 00:19:29,583
( loud dance music playing )

385
00:19:34,922 --> 00:19:37,524
Nothing wrong with a little dance.

386
00:19:37,525 --> 00:19:39,793
How can I ask anyone to dance?

387
00:19:39,794 --> 00:19:42,262
It's too noisy to communicate.

388
00:19:42,263 --> 00:19:44,664
You don't have to talk to them.

389
00:19:44,665 --> 00:19:48,702
Just boogie up to them and do this...

390
00:19:48,703 --> 00:19:51,638
If they don't half off,
you're on for the full portion.

391
00:19:51,639 --> 00:19:54,441
- The what?!
- Have a go.

392
00:20:08,122 --> 00:20:10,189
All right, boys, keep it discreet.

393
00:20:10,190 --> 00:20:11,625
Gay night's tuesdays.

394
00:20:13,394 --> 00:20:15,662
I can't stay long, Maggie.

395
00:20:15,663 --> 00:20:18,031
I'm in a friend's flat
while she's on holiday

396
00:20:18,032 --> 00:20:20,434
And I have to feed Toby, her stupid dog.

397
00:20:20,435 --> 00:20:22,769
Pat, stop making excuses.

398
00:20:22,770 --> 00:20:24,971
It's a night out. Have a drink,

399
00:20:24,972 --> 00:20:27,073
Dance with a bloke or two.

400
00:20:27,074 --> 00:20:28,575
As if anyone
would ask me-

401
00:20:28,576 --> 00:20:30,410
And I wouldn't know
what to do if they did.

402
00:20:30,411 --> 00:20:32,412
Don't be overeager.

403
00:20:32,413 --> 00:20:34,514
Just be dead cool and classy.

404
00:20:34,515 --> 00:20:36,450
You know, sophisticated.

405
00:20:36,451 --> 00:20:38,518
Say something like...

406
00:20:38,519 --> 00:20:41,855
"I'd rather bop with the
bits I cut off my dog's bum."

407
00:20:43,491 --> 00:20:46,359
Show them you're a
strong, in-control woman.

408
00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:48,962
Excuse me. Fancy a dance?

409
00:20:48,963 --> 00:20:50,897
Yeah, all right.

410
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:55,068
That one there might do for you, kev.

411
00:20:55,069 --> 00:20:57,303
I used to know her. Lovely.

412
00:20:57,304 --> 00:20:59,806
Only interested in one thing.

413
00:20:59,807 --> 00:21:01,341
Oh, I see.

414
00:21:01,342 --> 00:21:03,743
A bit boring, is she?

415
00:21:06,213 --> 00:21:08,782
Do you think you could
loosen your grip a bit, pal?

416
00:21:08,783 --> 00:21:11,952
I'd like to keep my knockers
on the outside of my ribcage.

417
00:21:54,128 --> 00:21:56,162
Patricia!

418
00:21:56,163 --> 00:21:58,765
What in the devil's desk
diary are you doing here?

419
00:21:58,766 --> 00:22:00,700
Dancing,

420
00:22:00,701 --> 00:22:02,869
If it's any business of yours.

421
00:22:02,870 --> 00:22:04,704
You
look-

422
00:22:04,705 --> 00:22:06,706
You look lovely.

423
00:22:06,707 --> 00:22:08,642
Thanks.

424
00:22:08,643 --> 00:22:12,211
Your legs, they're-
they're new, aren't they?

425
00:22:13,581 --> 00:22:15,715
Same ones.

426
00:22:15,716 --> 00:22:18,585
Perhaps we could... Dance together?

427
00:22:18,586 --> 00:22:21,087
Well, perhaps just one.

428
00:22:24,058 --> 00:22:26,092
I have to get back for Toby.

429
00:22:27,094 --> 00:22:29,362
Toby? Who's Toby?

430
00:22:29,363 --> 00:22:32,866
Sir, sir! Gary says he's
found you a right old slapper

431
00:22:32,867 --> 00:22:34,267
That even you could pull.

432
00:22:38,606 --> 00:22:42,175
- Hello, sergeant Dawkins.
- Goodbye, constable.

433
00:22:44,278 --> 00:22:46,145
Goodbye, inspector!

434
00:22:47,848 --> 00:22:49,749
Who's Toby?

435
00:22:52,587 --> 00:22:55,221
Fowler: You know, the
funny thing is I feel great.

436
00:22:55,222 --> 00:22:57,491
Really great.

437
00:22:57,492 --> 00:22:59,860
Liberated.

438
00:22:59,861 --> 00:23:03,329
Patricia's building
a new life with Toby,

439
00:23:03,330 --> 00:23:06,132
And I'm happy for her.

440
00:23:06,133 --> 00:23:08,134
Really happy.

441
00:23:09,336 --> 00:23:12,171
Did you see all those
beautiful girls tonight?

442
00:23:12,172 --> 00:23:14,140
( chuckles )

443
00:23:14,141 --> 00:23:16,877
Talk about plenty more fish in the sea.

444
00:23:18,078 --> 00:23:19,546
Wa-aay!

445
00:23:21,549 --> 00:23:23,182
Woof, woof!

446
00:23:24,519 --> 00:23:27,353
No, I feel great.

447
00:23:27,354 --> 00:23:29,055
A toast-

448
00:23:29,056 --> 00:23:31,858
A toast to feeling great.

449
00:23:31,859 --> 00:23:35,061
- Both: Feeling great.
- ( sobbing )

450
00:23:37,498 --> 00:23:39,466
You miss inspector
Fowler, a lot, don't you?

451
00:23:39,467 --> 00:23:42,636
Him?! That dull, rude, boring,

452
00:23:42,637 --> 00:23:46,272
Useless excuse of a man who'd
rather read Biggles than bonk?

453
00:23:46,273 --> 00:23:49,409
Of course I miss him, I love him.

454
00:23:49,410 --> 00:23:53,212
He looked so funny last night
at the disco trying to be trendy.

455
00:23:53,213 --> 00:23:55,782
Oh well, we both made our decisions.

456
00:23:55,783 --> 00:23:58,485
So come on out! Let your guard down.

457
00:23:58,486 --> 00:24:01,154
Let your hair down.
Let your mother down.

458
00:24:02,990 --> 00:24:05,725
No thank you, I don't feel like it.

459
00:24:05,726 --> 00:24:07,727
Besides I have to look after Toby.

460
00:24:07,728 --> 00:24:11,397
Honestly, it's been such a
comfort having Toby around.

461
00:24:11,398 --> 00:24:14,400
He's really stopped me being
lonely, especially at night.

462
00:24:14,401 --> 00:24:17,170
He just loves me for who I am, you see?

463
00:24:17,171 --> 00:24:18,805
And actually,

464
00:24:18,806 --> 00:24:21,341
Even after only a couple
of days, I think I love him.

465
00:24:21,342 --> 00:24:24,678
Mind you, I'm not saying
he's not a handful, whoo!

466
00:24:24,679 --> 00:24:27,246
He's so rough and physical!

467
00:24:27,247 --> 00:24:30,416
I'll bet when you go home he
just leaps at you, doesn't he?

468
00:24:30,417 --> 00:24:33,453
Yes, he does! I hardly
have time to get my coat off

469
00:24:33,454 --> 00:24:36,389
Before he's licking me all over.

470
00:24:37,525 --> 00:24:39,559
Oooh, I know that sort of animal.

471
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:42,529
Does he want to have his
head in your lap all evening?

472
00:24:42,530 --> 00:24:46,432
All evening, snuffling away.

473
00:24:46,433 --> 00:24:49,870
I tried to say, "no, Toby!"

474
00:24:49,871 --> 00:24:53,239
But he looks at me with those
big, beautiful, soulful eyes,

475
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:55,642
His tongue hanging
out. Mind you-

476
00:24:55,643 --> 00:24:57,611
To be honest, he can
be a bit disgusting.

477
00:24:57,612 --> 00:25:00,981
I mean, when he sits in the middle
of the carpet and licks his willy-

478
00:25:06,854 --> 00:25:08,655
Medical emergency
on the line-

479
00:25:08,656 --> 00:25:10,189
Potential fatality.

480
00:25:10,190 --> 00:25:11,925
Boyle, can you keep it down?

481
00:25:11,926 --> 00:25:15,461
I'm trying to get through to
the water cooler repairs hotline.

482
00:25:15,462 --> 00:25:19,132
Blimey! "you are in a queue.
All our operators are busy."

483
00:25:19,133 --> 00:25:21,100
What would happen if we tried that, eh?

484
00:25:21,101 --> 00:25:25,338
Someone rings up dying- "sorry,
all our officers are busy,

485
00:25:25,339 --> 00:25:26,973
Your emergency's in a queue

486
00:25:26,974 --> 00:25:29,342
And we will be doing nothing about it."

487
00:25:32,279 --> 00:25:35,015
- Imagine that?
- Hello? Hello-oo?

488
00:25:35,016 --> 00:25:36,516
Hello!

489
00:25:36,517 --> 00:25:38,051
Oh, finally, right!

490
00:25:38,052 --> 00:25:40,654
My water spout won't spurt.

491
00:25:40,655 --> 00:25:43,523
No, next week is not good enough,

492
00:25:43,524 --> 00:25:45,625
I've got an extremely important

493
00:25:45,626 --> 00:25:47,627
Promotions interview this afternoon.

494
00:25:47,628 --> 00:25:49,829
I'm going to look a right dicky doo-dah

495
00:25:49,830 --> 00:25:54,000
With a non-functioning faucet
filtering facility, aren't I?

496
00:25:54,001 --> 00:25:55,334
Thank you!

497
00:25:55,335 --> 00:25:57,804
She's going to give me
instructions over the phone.

498
00:25:57,805 --> 00:25:59,573
Get this down.

499
00:25:59,574 --> 00:26:01,708
"take your water cooler..." yeah.

500
00:26:03,978 --> 00:26:05,879
"and shove
it up your--"

501
00:26:10,585 --> 00:26:12,052
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.

502
00:26:12,053 --> 00:26:14,854
Was there any post for
me? I'm very, very excited.

503
00:26:14,855 --> 00:26:17,290
I've ordered some
weights and some dumbbells

504
00:26:17,291 --> 00:26:18,892
So I can iron my pump.

505
00:26:18,893 --> 00:26:20,961
Oh, right. I was
wondering what this was.

506
00:26:24,966 --> 00:26:26,265
Thanks.

507
00:26:35,342 --> 00:26:36,676
Anyway, so come on,

508
00:26:36,677 --> 00:26:38,544
You were telling me about your new life.

509
00:26:38,545 --> 00:26:40,413
There's not much to tell, really.

510
00:26:40,414 --> 00:26:43,049
How are you getting on with Toby?

511
00:26:43,050 --> 00:26:45,451
The problem is he can be so rough.

512
00:26:45,452 --> 00:26:48,655
He doesn't know his own strength
sometimes. He nearly knocks me over.

513
00:26:48,656 --> 00:26:51,057
Habib: Does he insist on
sleeping with you every night,

514
00:26:51,058 --> 00:26:52,659
Even though you don't want him to?

515
00:26:52,660 --> 00:26:54,060
Yes, he does!

516
00:26:54,061 --> 00:26:57,664
I say, "no, Toby, get out of my bed!"

517
00:26:57,665 --> 00:26:58,932
But before I know it,

518
00:26:58,933 --> 00:27:01,567
He's on top of me all
hot and panting and hairy.

519
00:27:01,568 --> 00:27:03,069
And I have to fight him off.

520
00:27:03,070 --> 00:27:06,072
Patricia! I can remain silent no longer!

521
00:27:06,073 --> 00:27:08,508
- This Toby is an animal!
- Yes.

522
00:27:08,509 --> 00:27:09,843
If I cannot have you,

523
00:27:09,844 --> 00:27:12,478
Then I should at least protect
you from swine like him.

524
00:27:12,479 --> 00:27:14,948
Who is this Toby? I
shall thrash the monster

525
00:27:14,949 --> 00:27:16,616
To within an inch of his life

526
00:27:16,617 --> 00:27:19,418
- And hang the consequences.
- He's a prize-winning boxer.

527
00:27:19,419 --> 00:27:22,088
Well, I box a little myself.

528
00:27:22,089 --> 00:27:25,558
And I don't care. I love you, Patricia.

529
00:27:25,559 --> 00:27:27,326
I always will.

530
00:27:27,327 --> 00:27:30,163
And if I end up being beaten
to death protecting you

531
00:27:30,164 --> 00:27:31,597
From this filthy pervert,

532
00:27:31,598 --> 00:27:33,232
Then I will count my life cheap.

533
00:27:33,233 --> 00:27:36,202
Oh, Raymond! God, I love you.

534
00:27:36,203 --> 00:27:39,405
- What about Toby?
- Toby's a dog.

535
00:27:40,941 --> 00:27:43,376
Oh, I see.

536
00:27:43,377 --> 00:27:46,245
Oh, Raymond, you wanted to be so brave,

537
00:27:46,246 --> 00:27:49,082
So strong. Let's start all over,

538
00:27:49,083 --> 00:27:52,085
Rekindle our romance, do
all the things we never did.

539
00:27:52,086 --> 00:27:55,989
Yes, let's start with a half of
mackeson at the "frog and truncheon."

540
00:27:55,990 --> 00:27:59,125
Yes- and see how
we go from there.

541
00:27:59,126 --> 00:28:01,227
Sir, you can't go out boozing now!

542
00:28:01,228 --> 00:28:03,763
The people from the promotion
board'll be here any minute.

543
00:28:03,764 --> 00:28:06,432
Oh dear, yes...

544
00:28:06,433 --> 00:28:08,234
No.

545
00:28:08,235 --> 00:28:10,170
Kindly inform them

546
00:28:10,171 --> 00:28:12,839
That I have more important
matters to attend to.

547
00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:15,474
There's always next year.

548
00:28:15,475 --> 00:28:17,276
Come along, Patricia.

549
00:28:23,818 --> 00:28:26,019
Right, Boyle, this is it.

550
00:28:26,020 --> 00:28:29,022
New suit, new tie.

551
00:28:29,023 --> 00:28:32,425
Very hoity, very toity.

552
00:28:32,426 --> 00:28:35,528
Got Tina to iron my socks.

553
00:28:35,529 --> 00:28:39,099
Even managed to fix my spout.

554
00:28:39,100 --> 00:28:40,767
They won't interview

555
00:28:40,768 --> 00:28:43,336
A smarter officer than me this week.

556
00:28:43,337 --> 00:28:45,538
Oh yes, very nice.

557
00:28:45,539 --> 00:28:48,908
Sir, the people from the
promotion board are here.

558
00:28:48,909 --> 00:28:51,144
Right. This is it.

559
00:28:53,647 --> 00:28:55,749
Just refresh myself

560
00:28:55,750 --> 00:28:59,385
With a nice cup of ice
cold water from the cooler.

561
00:29:02,790 --> 00:29:04,624
And in I go.

562
00:29:07,527 --> 00:29:09,729
I think you'll agree I look...

563
00:29:09,730 --> 00:29:11,798
Rather eye-catching.

564
00:29:11,799 --> 00:29:13,800
You certainly do, inspector.

565
00:29:13,801 --> 00:29:15,268
Good luck.

566
00:29:16,937 --> 00:29:19,239
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